How could I say no just because I am comfortable where I am?

Goodbyes are not easy for me, I am not sure if they are easy for anyone but for me they are the thing I most dread about leaving. Last night that reality hit me again as I said goodbye to one of my closest friends. We have been through a lot together; we met when our oldest children were only 8months old and they bonded almost as fast as we did. Almost 6 years later and the kids are the best of friends.   As I drove away crying my eyes out my kids asked all sorts of questions about why they would not be seeing their best friends again for a long time. Kaleb asked over and over again why they had to move away.  Then he asked about our move, are we moving to the same place?  When I said no, Bekah started naming friends and asking if she will have to say goodbye to them as well. My heart broke a little more with each question.  For me last night was a foreshadow of what’s to come in July.  So here it is, the blog entry I have had on my heart for a few weeks.

                                               Lydia and Kaleb, Best friends Feb 2015

I know God has called us back into missions, I have been praying for years asking God when we would be going back. I was overwhelmed with excitement when we heard Him say it was time.  When God called us He also gave us a passion for the people and the ministry.  But I am still human, It takes a lot for me to make friends, to put down roots two things I have done here in Augusta. Those roots and friendships are about to be tested.  In a few months I will be saying goodbye to everything I have spent the last 6 years building.   I am not writing this post for pity but I want to be honest and talk about the sacrifice and the struggle.

Sacrifice, this looks different for different people, I don’t want for one moment you to think picking up my life and family and following God across the world is easy.  When I was younger and not married and without kids the call to missions was easy. I followed blindly without all the financial support needed and without prayer support.  I thru caution to the wind and ran after God with everything in me.  Life was hard as a missionary but rewarding, many times we did not have enough money to buy food and barley paid our rent on time. I learned in those moments what it means to fully rely on God. He showed up and always took care of our needs. I am thankful for those memories as I prepare to move my 3 little ones across the world. I know deep down that God will always take care of me and my family. I know when I have moments of panic that it is simply me not trusting God with my kids. I have to dig deep to remember they are not mine to begin with. People ask all the time if where we are going is safe and that is a very complicated question. Is it as safe as Augusta Georgia? No, but following God is not always safe.  Moving back to Africa for me is as sad as it is exciting. The relationships we have made here will be very hard to say goodbye to. I am an adult and I am struggling knowing what I am giving up to follow God. I have so many dear friends and such a strong support system set up here. I get to chat with my Dad on the phone almost every day. I know in a pinch I could call many friends and they would be there for me in a heartbeat no matter what I needed.  As hard as it is going to be for me to say goodbye my heart is breaking not for me but for my kids.  They are giving up everything they have ever known.  Following Christ is not easy, but no one ever said it would be.   

 This journey I am on is an emotional rollercoaster; there are moments when I am so close to God I feel like I can conquer the world. I have peace and joy and excitement for what’s ahead. I don’t worry about if I am good enough or have enough skills to do what God is calling me to do. I don’t worry about schools, where we will live, how we are going to raise support, if my kids will adjust well. I just relax in God’s presence and trust Him.  But there are days where my flesh and this world get to me. I have woken out of nightmares terrified about the future. I let little comments people make (even Christians) get between me and what God has said.  I look at who I am and wonder if God has made a mistake, surely there is someone more qualified than me.  How am I ever going to accomplish what God is asking of me?  I wonder if it is worth what I am giving up.  It’s in these moments I realize I am only human and I am in need of a Savior. I can’t live up to what God is asking of me on my own. I am not strong enough for any of it alone.  Eddie isn’t my rock and comforter and without God this would be impossible.  Let’s be honest there are people more skilled and more educated than me.  I know this is going to be hard, the entire plan of what we are going to be doing in South Africa would not be what I would choose.  But that’s the beauty of it all, it isn’t about me.  God called us because we are willing to go.  His plan is so much bigger than me, Eddie or the kids.  His plan to reach these kids in South Africa is for Eddie and I to go.  His ways are greater than mine and His plans are so much better than anything I could ever come up with.  

So when you hear me taking passionately about the ministry God has called us to know this, I am indeed passionate about this move.  Sometimes my heart is so full of love for where we are going it hurts.  But I am also so aware of the sacrifice following God is requiring of me.  Stepping down from a youth group I LOVE is one of the hardest things He is asking me to do.  Packing my family into 1 suitcase each is requiring me to reevaluate what is really important.  Explaining to my kids why they will not see their cousins, aunt/uncle and friends for a long time makes me value each and every friendship I have even more.  5 months may seem like a long time to you but for me the months are flying by.  As we get closer to leaving I am getting closer to a loving Savior.  I find myself relying more on him for comfort and peace.  I am exactly where I want to be.  In His shadow, letting Him be my comfort.  Many years ago God gave me a verse and once again he is reminding me of it. “Do not worry about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let you requests be made known to God  And the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-7

Even with all the ups and downs and uncertainties following God where He leads me is worth it.  The journey I am on is an amazing one, and there is nowhere else I would rather be. Yes there are challenges and yes saying goodbye will be harder then I can ever imagine.  But if I truly believe God is who He is how could I walk away when He has asked me to do something.  Something small compared to what He has done for me.  How could I say no just because I am comfortable where I am.  I can’t and I won’t, wherever He leads and whatever the cost, me and my family will choose to follow Jesus.